Good ‘na cifra da Nutella Nutellae 2 0 di Riccardo Cassini

“Good ‘na cifra”

Once upon a time, many, many, many, ma’na cifra of many years ago, at the beginning of the initiation of the mond, there was the caos.
One day, God (God is the nome d’art of Dio), God, who was disoccupated, had a folgorant idea and so God created the Nutell.
And God saw that the Nutell was good, very good, very very good, good ‘na cifra.
The mangiation of God was long, He manged one million of barattols of Nutell sfrutting the fact that God has not a Mamm that strills if you sbaff too much Nutell.
And after this mangiation, God invented the Water Closed Run, the cors in the cabinet, and some Nutell’s derivates like the red bubbons, the panz, the cellulit and ceter, and ceter.
After di which (dopodiche’) he invented Adamo ed Eva and all the paradise and he diss to Adamo and Eva: “Now you have all the Paradise, you can do everything, very tutt: you have the permission to eat, to drink, to kiss, to scop; nothing lavor, nothing affit, nothing concors of impiegats, nothing cod alla post, nothing IRPEF, ILOR. Only very ozious life: television, telenovels, football, moviols, process of Monday, appell of Tuesday, cassazion of Wednesday, and ceter, and ceter. You have gratis restaurants, cinemas, theaters, all the Paradise is yours: air-conditioned, autom riscaldament, moquette, parquett, tresset, bidet, omelette, eccet, eccet. “There’s just one thing, remember, in tutt the Paradise just one thing absolutely prohibited. Come, come to me in the giardin: this is “the Nocciol”, the alber of the Nutell.
Only this alber of the Nutell is prohibited, because I like the Nutell very much, very very much, much ‘na cifra and I want all the Nutell, tutt the Nutell for me.
”During the prim temps, Adamo and Eva were very happy.
Adamo said:”What a cool! (’Cool’ is not in Italian ‘freddo’, no, ‘What a cool’ means ‘Che cul’) All the Paradise is nostr!”
And everyday, ognigiorn, they discovered something new.
A lot of scoperts, many scoperts, many many scoperts, ‘na cifra di scoperts.
One day the scopert of the hot water, one day the scopert of the spaghettis, one day the cigarettes, and ceter, and ceter.
But one day, a trist day, a very very trist day, trist ‘na cifra, Adamo and Eva fecer the scopert of the first colazion.
And after the scopert of the cappuccin, the scopert of the aranch succ, the scopert of the cornetts, they understood that something was mancant.
“Eva!” said Adamo “Don’t you think that qualcos is mancant here, proprio here, ‘ncopp this fett?”
“Second me” Eva risposed “‘ncopp the fett you have to metter burr and marmelade.”
“No, no Eva, you know that the marmelade schif myself. I want ncopp this fett something very particular, very very particular, particular ‘na cifra. What do you think about the Nutell?”
“No, Adamo you are scording that the Signor said that’s vietat!”
“Yes, I remember, but only a little assaggiation, don’t succed nothing!”
And Adamo sces in the cortil where the alber of the Nutell was and he pres a small barattol and spalmed the brown cream on the fett and assagged the Nutell.
Adamo and Eva don’t ebber the time to exprimer the godiment that the tuons and fulmins apparved in the ciel and one voice said: “Potevamo stupirv you with special effects, but I’m God, not Fantagod! Adamo, Eva, come here! I’m very incazz with you, very very incazz, incazz ‘na cifra! How did you permit to tocc the Nutell? Didn’t you remember that it was prohibited?”
“Cazz!” esclamed Adamo “It was prohibited! Oh, sorry, God, I’m very very sorry, sorry ‘na cifra, God, I really really was completely scordat.
”Don’t do that fint tont, Adamo, I’m God, I can see everything, very tutt, and I know that you and the woman have deliberatament assaggiated the Nutell. So you have a big punhition, a very castig for your peccat. But siccom I’m sconfinatly good, you can choose, you have two scelts: “Scelt number 1: nothing Nutell for ever and ever in the secols of the secols, amen!”
“Nooo!” Eva was piagnucoling “It’s a thing very tragic, very very tragic, tragic ‘na cifra!”
“Aspett!” said God “Don’t be frettolous woman. “Scelt number 2: you can take the Nutell, no problem, let’s prend, prend, but for you is the cacciation out of the Paradise. You will have to lavorar with the sudor of your front, you will zapp the terr, you’ll have mal of schien and, like this don’t bastass, everytime you will mang Nutell, the malediction of the brufols, of the mal of panch, of the cacarel will be cadent on you.”
“Ale’!” esclaimed Adamo “Thank you God, thank you, we don’t interess the cacciation dal Paradise, the important is to have the Nutell!
Goodbye! Ciao, ciao!”
And so Adamo and Eva were cacciated and this original peccat and this malediction cadded on lor and on lor discendents, and on the discendents of the discendents.
Infact, tutt’ogg, you can veder in the pubblicity all the ragazz that per aver one fett of pan and Nutell they scalan the mountains they stay in a tend al fredd and al gel and ceter, and ceter.
But the final pensier of tutti noi is “It’s meglio faticar and soffrir with the Nutell piuttost che the Terrestr Paradise senz the Nutell.”

Riassunt of the precedent puntat: God, the boss of the Paradise, has cacced out, very very fuor, in the “freddo divertente” that in english si dice “fun cool”, Adam, Eva and the fruit of the peccat: the Nutell.
From that moment, the life of God was very very squallid, very very scocciant, very very noious.
Infact God is onnipotent, He knows everything, very very tutt, percio’ He don’t si puo’ veder one football partit because gia’ knows the risultat: He don’t si puo’ legger one yellow book because gia’ know the assasin, don’t puo’ play to the lotto, tombol, lottery of Capodann, because He gia’ lo knows who vinces and who perds (di solit God vinces at lotto, infact He is soprannominated “Padre Terno”), He knows gia’ everything, tutte cose.
The unic thing that God don’t sapeva, was what cazz di end aveva fatt the Nutell and, under under, sotto sotto, after one sacc of time that he don’t have nothing notiz about the Nutell, God was very curious, ma very very curious, because God is formed dalla Santissima Trinity, percio’ God has the curiosity of the Father, the curiosity of the figl, and the curiosity of the Spirit Sant: ‘na cifra di curiosity.
God was pensing to qualcos per rintracciar the Nutell and so decided to mandar ‘ncopp the Terr one part of the Santissim Trinity: so chiamed the Spirity Sant that is the most sfigat of the Trinity, (that quand God want the cigarettes or want the giornal, He sempr calls the Spirit Sant that in deep in deep, in fondo in fondo, is the apprendist of the Trinity, the shop-boy, the ragazz of botteg) and God dissed to the Colomb: “Now you go ‘ncopp the Terr and cerc ‘nu poco this cazz of Nutell that da secols and secols I don’t have notiz”.
The Colomb se ne voled from the Paradise vers the Terr. “Good Viagg!” dissed God watching the colomb Flying.
The Colomb was avvicinanding to the Terr.“Good Fortun!” dissed God watching the Colomb avvicinanding.
The Colomb entered in the atmosphere of the Terr. “In bocc al wolf!” dissed God watching the Colomb in the atmosphere. The Colomb was ormai in the ciel of the Terr.
“In cool at the balen! dissed God watching the Colomb in the ciel of the Terr. PAM!!
One cacciator of Frosinone accirrette the Colomb with ‘na scaric of pallettons.
“Azz!” esclaimed God.
“Pork Mignott!” esclaimed the Colomb, “God, ma nothing nothing do you portass nu’ poco sfiga?”
And murretted into the Frosinon Forrest.
At this point God facing the vague, ma very very vague, ma very very very vague, vague ‘na cifra, fischietting and canticching si avvicined a Jesus and gli dissed: “Jesus, my predilett figl!”.
“Te credo” risposed Jesus “I am the unic figl”.
“Don’t scherzar everytime, Jesus!” dissed God, “I’m parling seriament: if you go ‘ncopp the Terr, I’ll give to you ‘na bella cosa: the Nutell!”
“With the cazz!” disse Jesus “I aggio visted the end che ha fatt the Spirit Sant, I don’t want to be accised by a fetient cacciator of Frosinon!”
“But don’t ti preoccupar! Don’t succed nothing, and if you want star very sicur, ma very very sicur, ma very very very sicur, sicur ‘na cifra, I give to you three (3) miracols, so you can go tranquill, very very tranquill ‘ncopp the Terr”.
“Ue’ Daddy” dissed Jesus “I don’t want go to ‘ncopp the Terr!! But comunq, proprio perche’ sei you, I will go ‘ncopp the Terr se you”
“Se io?” “Se you accatt to me the motorin!” “The motorin is pericolous! L’altra volt t’aggio visted ‘ncopp the Vesp of the figl of Mose’ sgomming and impenning su ‘na ruota only!”
“And I don’t go ‘ncopp the Terr!” dissed Jesus.
“What a cacacazz of figl che teng!
And it goes good!
Va buo’!: now I give to you tre miracles and when you return, I’ll give the motorin. But you trov the Nutell!”
So Jesus nacqued in ne grott al cold e al gel.
Will riesce Jesus a compier the mission to salv the humanity from the tentation of the Nutell?
Che a him don’t gliene puo’ fregar of meno, but he want the motorin, with the parabrezz, the baulett and the adesiv of his face, with the scritt “Volto Santo of Jesus Christ protegg me”?
We will know everything to the proxim puntat of the “Good ‘na cifra Tales”.
Amen.

Good ‘na cifra 3: Palestina jesus & the predator of the nutella perduta!
Riassunt of the precedent puntats: dopo aver cacced from the paradise Adam, Eva and the nutell, a God gli venn the sfitz di ritrovar the nutell in the mond, so he manded Jesus ‘ncopp the Terr.
But siccom Jesus don’t voleva andar, God promised to him tre miracles (in case of necessity, don’t si sa never) and soprattut, se Jesus ritornava with the nutell in paradise, God for premium, gli accattava the motorin.
So Jesus nacqued in one grott at cold and gel.
After qualk ann, when he was more grandicell, he troved finalment the nutell.
And pure Jesus vided that the nutell was good, ma very very good, ma good ‘na cifra, solament that Jesus aveva the mamm, the Madonn, that always nasconded the barattols of the nutell in the most incredible post, under the mangiatoy, in the cofanett of the mirra, in the attrezz of San Joseph.
But we sappiam that Jesus avev the nutell of the miracles , the tre miracles that he feced: Miracle number one: the resurrezion of Lazzaroni, one fabbricant of biscott that, for riconoscenz, regaled a Jesus le sue actions of Nutell SpA, so Jesus divenned the principal azionist of the Nutell.
Miracle number two: the Nozze di Cana, dove Jesus, alla fine del pranz, trasformed il dessert in nutell, con big godiment of tutt the invitats and tutt the imbucats (that, at the matrimon, don’t mancano never).
Miracle number three: the moltiplication of the Pan and Nutell, in cui Jesus, per incrementar the affairs, con one rosett and one little vaschett of nutell sfamed nu sacc of little boys, the ragazzins, the pischells, the guagliuncells, because Jesus is very very furb, furb ‘na cifra, and he knows that se one boy assag the nutell, after per tutt the life the ragazzin will cake the cazz days and night in the recchies of the mamm to comprar the nutell.
But one giorn very very trist, Jesus decide to offrir one cena for the discepols.
The discepols eran like the Consigl of Amministration of the Nutell SpA.
During tutt the cena they were parling and chiackiering of the more and the less but a un cert point, Jesus presed the pan, lo spezzed, lo dieded ai discepols and disses: “Uagliò let’s prend that i mi want to far ‘na pranz tant!”.
But purtropp, cerc di qua, cerc di là, they dont trovaron the nutell anymore. Because chill fetient of Giuda si era arraffated the nutell and aveva scambiated la secret formula per trenta denars, one abbonament in lateral tribune of the Fiorentin Football Club and five filmins of D’Abbracc Milly.
And fu cosi’ che Jesus s’incazzed very much, ma very very much, much ‘na cifra, bestemming the mamm, the babb and tutt the saints amici suoi, but ormai non c’era nothing da far: and fu cosi’ che God per dispett, invented seduta stant the “Peccat of Golosity”, and fu cosi che Jesus is l’unic in tutt the paradise that is still andand a pieds, senza motorin.
Amen.

(Riccardo Cassini)